Sex and the Single Senior

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. -Woody Allen

Yes, he did that thing with his adopted daughter and yes, he keeps making the same movie over and over again. But when Woody was good, he was really, really good. However, this post is not about Woody Allen, it is rather about some thoughts prompted by that quote of his and women of a certain age.

That age would be - my age. Middle age, probably more correctly late middle age. But it's hard to tell, what with the actuarial tables being what they are today. Old age keeps getting older and middle age seems to be expanding. Here again the lump in the esophagus of society we the Baby Boomers caused in the 60s has now become the intestinal blockage of the national process and we all know where that will lead further down the country's collective alimentary canal. OK, that's as far as my scatologically adverse sensitivities will allow this metaphor to proceed; besides today's topic was meant to be sex. I probably never should have allowed Woody's mental excentricities into my head this morning.

Sex and the single woman of my generation, which means in the neighborhood of sixty years of age, I have a few observations. I am not speaking to those who are still or are once again in LTRs. No this is about being back in the game with wisdom or at least experience. "Sex in the Sixties" without the tie-dye.


Two intertwined but very different items to discuss - being post-romance and/or being post-sex.


There is a small but not that small minority of women who are post-sex. There probably are a few men in this category as well and some of both genders who are there as a result of medical issues. I exempt them from my comments. I am talking about those who have decided that sex and sexual intimacy is no longer of interest. Make whatever judgments you like, I have already made mine and will keep them to myself but I do wish to say - If you are no longer going to participate in sexual congress with any partner, you really have an obligation to disclose this fairly early in potential dating situations.


I mean, you have no problem letting us know you are vegan, diabetic or a scuba diver; asexuality or non-sexuality should be on the list of early disclosures. In fact, in my not so humble opinion, a discussion of sex and sexual wants, needs and desires should be so much easier at our age. News flash - it really isn't 'all we are looking for' these days. Sure there are still Lotharios and playas in the dating pool but a lot of them have drowned or need at least an hour for the blue pill to take effect.


As much as I feel a lifestyle of post-sex should be disclosed, even more significant is post-romance. I have come to feel that there are many, many more women who have relinquished romance to the bier of youth. Probably in the wake of one or more bad marriages; these ladies, in large numbers, have no interest in another "big" relationship. Got it, but you really ought to disclose it.


One of the online dating sites I have frequented has a question that asks your reaction to the term "making love." My answer is that it refers to a very specific kind of sex, one among many. However, I have coffee dated several women and read profiles of many more who are either opposed to "love making" or, as one women put it, "I don't indulge in that level of fantasy anymore." These women are not post-sexual at all, but they are post-romance. 

To finish today on a positive note - there are many members of my generation on both sides of the fence who can and do engage in healthy but varied sexual relationships in dating situations. Others find such interaction to be insignificant in what they seek in a later life partner. My only suggestion is be upfront with what you want or at least what you think you want, but be open to the earth moving without you seeing it coming.

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Arek life, ponderings, quotations

A Pondering Quote

Our normal waking consciousness, rational consciousness as we call it, is but one special type of consciousness, whilst all about it, parted from it by the filmiest of screens, there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different. -William James

I remember this quote a bit differently. And I am not going to sully my smeared memory by googling the 'correct' version.

Our normal waking consciousness is but one type of consciousness. Whilst all about us, separated from us by the filmiest of veils lie many other forms of consciousness patiently waiting for us to awaken to them. -William James as remembered by my consciousness  

To me the meaning is clear - ordinary reality is not only just one of a myriad of ways of perceiving reality; it does in fact shape the reality we identify as ordinary or waking consciousness. Change your reality, change your perceptions of reality or change your perception of reality, change your actual reality. 

Astronomers now believe their are literally hundreds of thousands of potential earth-like planets circling stars near and far (mostly far). I would suggest that there are just as many realities circling each of us, we need only awaken to them. How to do that? How to experience those realities just out of your sight? 

Well, meditation comes to mind as a well traversed path. Drugs are clearly another (insert caveats here). But I think one preliminary step is almost a necessity, particularly if your end goal is enlightenment, nirvana, wisdom or growth. You need to honestly embrace the belief that those "filmiest of veils" exist and then examine them to see them for what they are. We construct the veils, the walls, the impediments to the multiverse of realities and, of course, only we can take them down. Step one - recognize your energetic funding of your own limited view of realities.

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in. -Mika

--
art by Thor Lange

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Arek philosophy, quotations, worldview

Constructing a Personality

"I am just a bundle of reaction formation responses."

I don't know if I love my friends because they are my friends or if they are my friends because I love them. But I do know I love the wonderful things they say. So much laughter, learning and blog fodder.

Reaction formation refers to a coping mechanism (Freudian defense mechanism) by which we replace unacceptable or anxiety producing behaviors and emotions with their direct opposite. Or at least what is perceived to be the opposite. Different flip-sides for different folks as it were.

Of course, as with all psychological theory it all gets much more diffuse and complicated as applied to various personas and personalities. For instance, if you are reacting to a parent who is often angry then you might avoid anger yourself by overly compensating, being always agreeable, never oppositional. Perhaps trading one dysfunctional behavior for another. How then does someone express an emotion like anger when reacting to a pathological use of that same emotion in parents or peers?

Well fortunately we are not just a bundle of reaction formations. We really do have free will; we actually can break free of whatever traits our childhood imposed upon us. Our maturation allows us options other than reaction formation. Still buried down deep or not buried at all lurks the remanent of all we have been and might have been. All twisty and turny (psychological terms) yet changeable, malleable and unique.

All my friends are nearly normal and I love them for exactly those qualities.

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Arek friends, life, Psychology, quotations

It's All Your Fault!

The student section at Yost Hockey Arena in Ann Arbor is a raucous, some might say rude bunch. One of their favorite cheers comes after the Michigan squad scores a goal. They all stand and point at the visitor's goalie and chant:

"It's all your fault. It's all your fault. It's all your fault."

I was reminded of this recently when a friend had a fender bender. An expensive event when you carry a $1,000 deductible in a society where no auto repair is less than a grand. What was unnerving was listening to her on the phone with her insurance agent admitting it was her fault. Unfortunately she had said exactly those words to the other driver at the scene of the accident. Even in the description of the incident I overheard, I had doubts about her culpability. But, of course, the moral of the story is not that you should never admit guilt; nay, the object lesson is the mindset in life that it's all your fault.

My friend is one of those guilt-ridden personalities. You know those people who do guilt so well, so often and so quickly that there really is no room for anyone else to shoulder any part of the burden. I will not mention her heritage here, you are allowed to speculate. I will, however, say that upbringing is the key; with the true guilt focused directly on the parents.

Guilt is instilled at an early age, most personality traits are. What one has to wonder is why of all the gifts to give a child, a parent would select this one? The answer, of course, is that the adult is compensating for their own feelings by projecting them on their child. Some parents are wise enough to compensate by giving their child the opposite or positive referent to their own tortured soul. Others - not so much.

Moral of the story - At least 50% of the time, it really isn't your fault. Ponder that possibility and we'll work on lowering the number next session.

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Arek commentary, life, quotations