Sex and the Single Senior

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions. -Woody Allen

Yes, he did that thing with his adopted daughter and yes, he keeps making the same movie over and over again. But when Woody was good, he was really, really good. However, this post is not about Woody Allen, it is rather about some thoughts prompted by that quote of his and women of a certain age.

That age would be - my age. Middle age, probably more correctly late middle age. But it's hard to tell, what with the actuarial tables being what they are today. Old age keeps getting older and middle age seems to be expanding. Here again the lump in the esophagus of society we the Baby Boomers caused in the 60s has now become the intestinal blockage of the national process and we all know where that will lead further down the country's collective alimentary canal. OK, that's as far as my scatologically adverse sensitivities will allow this metaphor to proceed; besides today's topic was meant to be sex. I probably never should have allowed Woody's mental excentricities into my head this morning.

Sex and the single woman of my generation, which means in the neighborhood of sixty years of age, I have a few observations. I am not speaking to those who are still or are once again in LTRs. No this is about being back in the game with wisdom or at least experience. "Sex in the Sixties" without the tie-dye.


Two intertwined but very different items to discuss - being post-romance and/or being post-sex.


There is a small but not that small minority of women who are post-sex. There probably are a few men in this category as well and some of both genders who are there as a result of medical issues. I exempt them from my comments. I am talking about those who have decided that sex and sexual intimacy is no longer of interest. Make whatever judgments you like, I have already made mine and will keep them to myself but I do wish to say - If you are no longer going to participate in sexual congress with any partner, you really have an obligation to disclose this fairly early in potential dating situations.


I mean, you have no problem letting us know you are vegan, diabetic or a scuba diver; asexuality or non-sexuality should be on the list of early disclosures. In fact, in my not so humble opinion, a discussion of sex and sexual wants, needs and desires should be so much easier at our age. News flash - it really isn't 'all we are looking for' these days. Sure there are still Lotharios and playas in the dating pool but a lot of them have drowned or need at least an hour for the blue pill to take effect.


As much as I feel a lifestyle of post-sex should be disclosed, even more significant is post-romance. I have come to feel that there are many, many more women who have relinquished romance to the bier of youth. Probably in the wake of one or more bad marriages; these ladies, in large numbers, have no interest in another "big" relationship. Got it, but you really ought to disclose it.


One of the online dating sites I have frequented has a question that asks your reaction to the term "making love." My answer is that it refers to a very specific kind of sex, one among many. However, I have coffee dated several women and read profiles of many more who are either opposed to "love making" or, as one women put it, "I don't indulge in that level of fantasy anymore." These women are not post-sexual at all, but they are post-romance. 

To finish today on a positive note - there are many members of my generation on both sides of the fence who can and do engage in healthy but varied sexual relationships in dating situations. Others find such interaction to be insignificant in what they seek in a later life partner. My only suggestion is be upfront with what you want or at least what you think you want, but be open to the earth moving without you seeing it coming.

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Arek life, ponderings, quotations

I Might Be Wrong

I would never die for my beliefs 
because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell

There is a difference between coming to the conclusion that you are wrong and conceding that "the other" is right. I have postulated recently that in a war both sides are dying for their beliefs. Often neither side is completely right nor wholly wrong. No, you do not get to cite the Nazis.

About the only belief I would be willing to risk my life for would be the belief that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. To live by those beliefs and practice whatever lifestyle those beliefs require. Of course the rub is that an overwhelming number of "big beliefs" rest on the premise that other people with other beliefs are wrong, evil, infidels, in need of saving or killing. Clearly not new news to any of my readers. So, let me ask - Any beliefs you might have recently considered letting go of?

I believe a regular review and purging of beliefs is a healthful thing. It helps if you start small, here are a few of my tiny beliefs. By mine I mean either I am willing to let them go or I fervently wish others around me would.

--NPR is valuable, productive, worthwhile and therefore deserving of public funding;
--Congress is ineffective and should all be voted out of office, except our local guy because he has seniority and has done so much for the local economy;
--adults have the right to do certain things, have certain habits, enjoy certain pleasures; even though by allowing them to do so will mean that children might have access to these same activities;
--animal testing is evil and cruel but it saves human lives;

Got any you want to toss on the bonfire? Bring your own kerosene.

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Arek ponderings

Security & Stuff

Edward Lemay, assistant professor of psychology at the University of New Hampshire and his colleagues found that people who had heightened feelings of interpersonal security — a sense of being loved and accepted by others — placed a lower monetary value on their possessions than people who did not.

I am becoming more and more anti-stuff. I have always been anti-shopping but some of that is simply not liking the process of looking, finding, sometimes trying on and then purchasing, followed by being told I could have gotten it cheaper, larger, greener or with more power. Anti-stuff is both anti-consumerism and anti-clutter. I find the weight of ownership to be a burden. The process also requires that I labor to produce capital to expend on the objects I find objectionable. Seems like an obvious wicked circle, Dante comes to mind.


On the other hand, I don't find that being loved or accepted has much to do with my meager ways. I just don't like stuff. In fact, often upon entering into a loving, accepting relationship the event is inaugurated with a flurry of accumulation. New furniture, new clothes, new this, new that. OK some of the this and thats are fun, you know one of those things with the whatchamacallit and the thingamabob attachment. But other than that - no more stuff!


The Lemay study actually asked people to put a monetary value on their possessions. So it really isn't that being accepted and loved will make you purchase and consume less, but rather that you value the stuff at a lower price point. Hoarders, in particular, value their piles of items as much as five times more than those who are secure, loved and accepted.


However, if love and acceptance makes anyone less attached to their possessions dollar-wise or otherwise and if being less attached means accumulating fewer things - well then I am all for it! I love you, I accept you. Let's celebrate by not going to the mall.
--
Art: the BuyMoreMandala made of plastic shopping bags

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Arek academia, ponderings

Silly Bigotries

Church leaders [in the 1780s] saw theaters as competition with the kind of indoctrination they provided. Laws were passed in Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island banning the performance of plays. Preachers spoke of theaters as 'the Devil's Synagogues,' places where fabricated human emotions were on display. The contempt continued into the nineteenth century, a time in which many religious leaders forbade dancing in public. Acting was considered an even viler form of expression, one step down from public drunkenness. - Finding Oz by Evan I. Schwartz

We read those words today and think how pedestrian, how silly, how deluded were those ancestors of ours. Banning theater seems so ridiculous as we think back from our place in the 21st century. Yet while plays were being banned as works of satan, there was also slavery; women couldn't vote - well you know the list.

Fast forward to the 60's and coalesce the civil rights movement, the women's rights movement and the anti-war vietnam protests. One might have thought that the baby boomer generation would have swept away all forms of prejudice as they aged through the society and took control of the means of production and the direction of zeitgeist. But no, it has been left to the children and grandchildren of the boomers to put down prejudice against homosexuals, hispanics and political independents. As the boomers die off, so too will those lingering pockets of prejudice and injustice.

But before the Gen. X and Gen. Y members get too smug, I have to wonder what lingering anthropocentric chauvinisms the Millennials will have to step up to extinguish. Will they be the ones to finally address environmental degradation? What lingering discriminations will they put to rest? And what narrow-mindedness will today's youth carry to their graves?

The good news is that we seem to be evolving in the right direction. Each generation does seem to be shedding the blind hatreds and unfounded fears of their elders. Want to accelerate the process - it might be as simple as watching what your kids do and emulating them.

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Arek life, ponderings

When A View Is Not A View

I have spoked of my apartment view often in the past, perhaps a bit too often. Please note there have been no pictures from my window since I returned to the apartment after the remodel. Speaking of the remodel, while I have been back in the apartment for over two months the final piece of the remodeling was completed just a week ago - the window treatment as the decorators like to refer to it. Or the blinds as us normal folk say.

You see the apartment has a stretch of windows nearly 25 feet across. Big windows from the ceiling to about three feet above the floor. A huge amount of glass, the aforementioned panoramic view and in the afternoon a whole big bunch of sunlight. Without something on the windows there would be no working in the afternoon or early evening as the view is due west and blindingly bright. And, of course, I have my desk right up against the windows so the view is always right there for me to enjoy, ponder and meditate upon. Temperature is only an issue a dozen days a year in the temperate northern california climate, light is the really big concern. So I lobbied for and got vertical blinds. They can stand up to being adjusted as often as five or six times every day, I can tweak them to block light but still let me have the view. Sturdy, functional slats unlike those flimsy running material sheer blinds that look so elegant, but block the view entirely and can't stand up to heavy duty usage day after day.

An interesting thing happened the first day the blinds were in. I closed them and the apartment became a completely different space. The huge view draws me out, the immense wall of blocking blinds wombs me in. The word "cave" will have popped into several of my friends thoughts about now, yes I have my cave again. But the visuals out the windows are compelling and now malleable. I can completely block the light streaming over the desk and still have wide open views both right and left. I can tweak the openings between the slats to limit light but still keep the view (amazing what binocular vision and the human brain can do with partial information). And, yes, the hibernating bear can close off the view entirely and retreat into the cave - after all Plato did it.

--
photo: sfgate.com

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Arek berkeley view, ponderings

Weather Below the Radar

Yes, this is a post about the weather.

No, the weather here in Northern California has not had the impact of the rains, floods and tornados of the rest of the country. But yes, strange and unsettled weather does seem to abound this year.

Today is June 1st, normally we would already be a full month into fire season. You see California has a wet and a dry season. Up here in the north, the rains comes from late October until April. Then everything dries out and we have fire season. Sometimes long fire seasons. Today as I look out my window, I see very little of the great view towards the City and Bay of San Francisco because it is raining. Checking the weather report, there is yet another much bigger storm coming our way this weekend. Our wet season is not even close to being over.

Yesterday I read that the waterfalls in Yosemite Park are spectacular this spring because of all the snow melt. We have had 20% and in some areas 40% above average snow pack this winter. This means great waterfalls, more water for the reservoirs and hopefully more for the Central Valley farms. And, if the view from my window is not a saturated mirage, we are not done. When these storm hit the the mountains, they will add still more to the snow pack.

Last summer most predictions were for below average rainfall totals this year. We are in the midst of an La Nina system out in the Pacific and that means less rain for us and floods in Australia and Indonesia. But massive storm systems out the the Gulf of Alaska have been funneling down our way all winter and the result is La Nina has been trumped by the wet weather from the Great North.

Although this all sounds benign and good for everyone, there is the matter of the fuel for fires when it eventually dries out. Wet weather encourages the growth of underbrush and grasses that are the basic fuels for wild fires, so when we finally get the big dry out; the potential will be there for some big fires as well. 

All in all, strange weather this year. Environmental conspiracy theorists may now take over the conversation.

ADDENDUM: I wrote too soon, today it was announced that a warm spell in June could cause massive flooding from the 2X even 3X higher than average snow pack. The sky is falling! The sky is falling!! And it appears the apocalypse is white and fluffy . . .

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Arek ponderings, san francisco weather